Mountain

I find myself right on the brink again. It doesn’t matter that it’s Christmas. It would have happened anyway. But here I am, in a dangerous place, a really terrifying, to me, place of being on the brink of breaking with someone.

It’s a pattern. I connect my train to someone else’s, thinking that together we will climb a mountain I can’t climb by myself. When I make that connection, when I make that commitment, it feels brave. it too feels like a dangerous step to be taking. It feels like I am entering new landscapes.

But then something happens. The promise starts to feel empty, and I begin to feel like I need to go it alone. The other person reveals their weaknesses and I get the feeling that I have done it again. Thought I needed someone else to make the journey.

So I am about to tell someone that I want to unhitch my train. I’ve unhitched my train already in the last three or four months from two other major commitments, partnerships that I thought would be more or less forever. And now here comes another one. One that was only started a couple of months ago, but still, it was major. I put money into this one. I don’t even have money. But the money is really the last thing on my mind right now. Perhaps I had to put money into it, take such a huge decisive step, to realize that even this I have to disconnect from.

So once again, I am on this brink, where I have been before, not just in the last few months, but I think of two other major disconnections I went through in my life. Both times I walked out like walking off a cliff. Walking into nothingness, but it wasn’t nothingness. Both times it had been the right move. I don’t know right moves anymore. They are more subtle now. I am not giving up my home the way I was in the past to make this disconnection, the one I am thinking about today. Still, to break it feels like walking off a cliff. But it’s true, I can see that I will still have my world of home, friends, work, even family. But I will be back to navigating alone. Without thinking that I have a blind spot, a weakness, that someone else can help me heal, someone I realize I started almost right away  to make excuses for.

~ Mountain